The Perfect Analysis

I had once said about Vinod Khare "...one who would give me the coldest yet the brutally sanest advice on any issue", and there he goes again! This is a short conversation I had with him on our reunion at Alfaaz, IIT Kanpur's Literary Festival, which he is gracing as a Judge!!! Beats me how he manages to do that (too!), but however, that is not the point. Speaking of which, here is the point of the pointless conversation, (definitely not the first and surely not the last) that we had today on our time honoured practice of pilgrimage to "THE MT" for chai, samosa and whatnot.

The topic of the chat is the usual, "What is Saumya Jain supposed to be doing", hehe, something in which I have earned a D.Phil., needless to mention that all arguments expounded in which are as useless as the debate of the status of the planet Pluto in the Solar System. so, here goes ...

Saumya (talking about a day in recent forgotten history on which he had a bath): See, it is about perfection, about quality. It is about giving your best in everything you do. When I take a bath, I get an oil massage, a pedicure, a nice little sunbath and then I stand under the shower for ages. That, my friend is the perfect way to cleanse the body and the mind.

Vinod: Uh-huh.

Saumya: Yeah, nothing, absolutely nothing beats the feeling of your legs being soaked in warm water, sitting in the afternoon sun, and a relaxing massage with oil.

Vinod: Uhm! You mean "Getting a massage"? Are you employing people to do that? Really?

Saumya: Ah! No, no no. I mean I am rubbing oil in my hair myself, but, isn't the feeling just heavenly?

Vinod (pauses, thinks and then BANG!): Tumhe pata hai, tumko na Raja hona chahiye. Ekdum tumhaare laayak job hai! [You know what? You should be a king. Its a job just made for you!]

Saumya (Obviously surprised at the skewed parallel drawn between a king and a job desc): Hmm?

Vinod (Coldly, as though working out a case study. You just HAVE TO give it to this guy, he can remain SO indifferent even when he is speaking of such *disdainful* wisdom!) : Haan, na tum kuchh kaam karte ho, na kuchh karna chahte ho, bas pade rehte ho, aish karte rehte ho, aalsi bhi ho, ek hi cheez aati hai, bak bak karna aur morals baantna. Yehi sab toh karna hota hai. [Yes, its obvious. You don't do anything, neither do you want to. You just hang around all day long, making the most of your leisure-time, and you are slothful too. If you are good at something, it is talking crap and moralising. This is all that one requires to be a king.] You should have been born in the medieval times. You'd have done well.

Saumya (the truth hitting him at last): Yeah, I always thought that I was a bit old fashioned for this world. Too sad I missed the window. Waise, meri kundali mein shaayad Raj-yog likha hai. [Astrologically speaking, my fortune favours me to become one of the ruling class] Hehe. Kahan apply karoon? [Where do I sign up for this?]

Vinod (Smiling. Oh thank you holy mother of God): Hehe, chal chal, MT chal, fir bataataa hoon... [Hehe, walk on along, let me explain...]

And so we met again, probably for the last time on IITK soil. Probably for the last time to discuss this dreaded issue which I myself have been taking a bit too lightly (this blog-post notwithstanding). Hopefully though, I see some light at the end of this tunnel.

So anyhow, Ladies and Gentlemen, that, was Vinod Khare, and this, is me, signing off with this little poem, which will make sense to few. At least it does to me.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!
We'll miss you, Radley Boo,
You've been wronged,
and been miscast;
But all of that,
is in the Past.
Go on ahead, make a life,
No more worries, no more strife.
Speak out and you'll be heard,
No longer the caged mockingbird.
Go! Do the thing you wanna do,
Adieu, Boo, Adieu!

Quick Brown Fox, eh?

Remember, no quick brown fox is agile enough for a leap. And while we are at it, let me also tell you that Jackdaws have no romantic (or otherwise) interest whatsoever in any Gigantic Crystalline Animal-Deity.

Alt: Fox no Brown. Fox no Jump. Dog no Lazy. (P.S. : Fox no Quick too!)

Also Alt: (The conformist view) Exemplary Wizened Vicars Jump The Queue For The Kind God Above

Lights, Camera, Action!

All that my life is missing right now ...
... is a soundtrack.

To Each His Own

Scene : High Speed Aerodynamics Laboratory, Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur, India
Players : Saumya Jain and Ashish Vashishtha
Mood : SLEEPY!!!

Saumya is working on the computer, fiddling with the Quotations page. Apparently a day to think up something profound. Picks up a Shakespeare quote and puts it across on the blog. It goes something like this...

"It is not important to know who you are, than to have faith in what you can become."

Thus satisfied, he is about to fall asleep on the keyboard when Ashish returns from MT. With an eclectic, jovial and recently-had-something-to-eat mood, Ashish comes and sits next to Saumya. Saumya, beaming from inside at his recently plagiarised quote, points out the verse to his mate.

Ashish looks at it, grows serious, and remarks with a straight face...

"A call-girl is better than a girlfriend."

Silence. Ashish looks at Saumya; Saumya looks at Ashish. They laugh. Period.

P.S : What an anti-climax!

A Quote pour Moi!

"He is a man of letters, but not a man of his word" ;) Heh heh heh!!!

Tongue-in-cheek?

Aloo ke paranthe.
Tawa Pizza.
Mooli ki bharwa roti.
Butter Toast.
Daal Baati.
Moong ki daal ki khichdi.
Makhani Daal.
Dahi Bhalle.
Besan ka Chilla.
Aate ka halwaa.
Thanda Mathha.
Sem ki sabzi.

Aaye Haaye.

I'm at home, and my tummy is in tummy heaven. :)
The tongue can't leave the cheek though!

Daddu speaketh...

For all that matters, I could have also chosen this post to be titled, "Vinod Khare and the girlfriend, the lover and the whore". Here's why ...

One good friday, when we were all ready to throw Rakshit out of the campus with an awesome party, this is when Daddu was hit by one of his creative bolts and said something which went like this...

"Your girlfriend is someone you have sex with, while a lover is someone you make love to." Then he paused, waiting to see everyone's reaction, when at once, Saumya, hit with an equally intense bolt of curiosity asked, "then whom do you fuck?" "Oh that?!" said Daddu, "obviously, a whore."

That's more than just wordplay. I'll leave you to figure that out.

Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish.

Dear Reader,

This is meant to be a goodbye post. The author of this blog shall not be writing anymore, there won't be any more posts/material on this blog henceforth.

Here's a thank you for bearing with me all the time, and here's hoping I resume this activity soon, sometime in my life. But as things stand now, there's nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to discuss, absolute zilch. I have a few drafts handy, maybe in my effort to clean up my baggage I'll complete those as I go along, but yes, officially, no more stuff to be blogged.

Saumyasez no more.

Random Thought No. 666 : Hum Chlormint Kyun Khaate Hain?

Well, so if you don't know what Chlormint is, (a) you don't need to waste your time on this post and (b) if you still wanna do that, here's where to start, not that this page is any informative, but then you just need to know this.

Ok, so, "hum chlormint kyun khaate hain?". Here are some introspections.

• ... taaki Praty ki moochhon ki kheti hamesha hari bhari rahe
• ... kyunki pan/cigarettewaale ke paas chhutte paise nahin hote
• ... taaki ghar par pata na chale ki sutta maara hai
• ... bekaaj, Chlaarmint ij MAI CHOEES.
• ... saadi Chlormint da jawaab nahi
• ... kyunki Chlormint ko peeya nahi jaa sakta
• ... kyunki peene ke liye toh Limca hai
• ... waise Sprite bhi hai.
• ... kyunki "hum" Kanpur mein rehte hain, agar dilli mein rehte, toh hum poochhte, "main" chlormint kyun khaata hoon?
• ... kyunki hum fukke nahi khaana chahte
• ... kyunki Chlormint humko nahi khaa sakti
• ... kyunki deepu bahut lamba hai aur prinshul bahut hi dhakkan
• ... kyunki saumya ke paas exam mein aur koi kaam nahi hota blog likhkar timepass karne ke allaawa ...

Issliye hum Chlormint khaate hain. Kuchh chamka ab? :)

Early morning vibes...

The following transpired between me and Praty on our way to the morning chai at MT, worth a blog.

Scene : The half-asleep duo of Praty and Saumya trudging along the Hall of Residence Avenue, crossing the Hall 2 gate towards MT. As they see, a localite lady is boarding a Rickshaw. She'll be around 30, attired in Saree and with a voice as shrill and as loud that is associated with my perception of the Kanpur babe. The rickshaw puller and the lady soon start making small conversation, and both of them laugh.

Saumya (feeling sorry for the lady's hardworking, bread_winner_for_the_family, middle class husband) : Dekh yaar, aunty toh rickshaw waale se hi las rahi hain! [Behold thine eyes to this scene my friend, this fine young lady here is categorically "flirting" with this gentleman rickshaw puller here!]

Praty (...) : huh? [huh?]

Saumya (still inquizitive) : Yaar dekh na, aunty lase hi jaa rahi hain ... kyun? aakhir kyun ? aakhir kyun praty!!! [See, she is still flirting, why why why oh WHY!]

Praty (! - which means he is on the verge of getting to a big time earth shattering realisation) : Simple hai, aunty soch rahi hain, thoda lasne se agar 6 rupay ki jagah 5 rupay dene ki ho jaaye toh kya nuksaan? ['tis but simple, for she thinks what is the harm done if for a few moments of her sweet chitchat, this foolish rickshaw puller would charge her a rupee less for the ride?]

Saumya (still doubtful) : Lekin yeh baat toh rickshaw waala bhi jaanta hoga na? Wo kyun las rah hai? [Yes my friend, but would not the same realization dawned upon the rickshaw puller aswell? Why is he playing the game?]

Praty (!!! - which means that he got a time slice of clear vision and spoke the ultimate truth) : Dekh rickshaw waala soch raha hai, mere 6 rupay toh kahin jaane nahin doonga, woh toh wasool hi loonga, ab tab tak agar lasne ko hi mil raha hai toh main kyun mauka haath se jaane doon [He knows that he will anyhow take the exact fare from the woman, so why not enjoy the ride with a little spice?]

Well, that's the world for you, as we realised it one sleepy Spring morning on our way to the MT.

Tagged! - Spilling the guts.

So now that everyone knows what being tagged means, I can spill the guts.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Saumya Jain out and about for the whole world for one time, thanks to the lady. (Remember, what follows is privileged information! and you're getting it for free, grrr!. OK, maybe the silly internet charge - that doesn't count)

Oh I just came to know, it was the international women's day yesterday, all the more reason. [Official] This post dedicated to Shubha, my rep for all things woman :)[/Official]

I FEAR

• Death
  Death represents not only loss or pain or sorrow to the next of kin, I fear death for much more. A dying man takes with him all his unfulfilled quests, dreams, desires, thirsts, longings. Talk about unfinished business. Its a great leveller, but I fear it nevertheless.
• Loneliness
  I have been a total introvert. I used to be alone most of the time. Lately, however, that has not been the case. I am around with a lotsa people all the time. So much so, I take time out to be with myself for a change. But too much loneliness gives me the creeps. I want to be a part of a sea of humanity. Maybe that's why I love the discotheque.
• Small talk
  Not my idea of a perfect way to pass the time. I can discuss business with anyone and everyone. Without business, I dont talk. I keep shut. Zipped up, so to say. Very poor at making pointless conversations. Especially on the face. Very especially with a girl.

I LAUGH WITH

• Myself
  Never fail to amaze myself. Whether its searching for the cycle keys when I have them between my teeth, or fretting over an assignment that I have already submitted, I have made sure that I kept laughing all the way to this day.
• Pratyush
  No need to explain. We are almost brothers. More. Pulls out a smile from me in everything he does.
• KJ
  My sis. My chhoti behen from the time she was born to the time she started talking. Since then, I have been considered the youngest one in the family.

I LOVE

• You know who
  If you know me, you already know who's the numero uno on this list.
• Myself
  Never before since the time of Narcissus has anyone loved himself more.
• A sleepy february afternoon ... and it starts raining in campus.
• Myself again
  Goes on to prove point no. 2 :)

I HATE

• To see myself spiralling down into nothingness, for nothing at all.
• People who lie to themselves.
• Waking up from sleep, especially if I am dreaming. :)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

• Women
  Seems nobody gets round to that!
  
• What's this whole hullabaloo about being in love. Its just a state. Like being drunk, for example.
• Why people complicate their lives so much. Its all very simple if you just look at the situation from a little higher perspective.
  

ON MY DESK YOU'LL FIND

• Keys
  Lotsa keys. I am a lock and key person. I just feel safe around them.
  
• Paper
  Rough paper, roughed up paper, blanks, printed, scribbled upon, sweated upon etc.
  
• Empty ciggy boxes, from a long time back.
  

THINGS I AM DOING RIGHT NOW

• Listening to Ghulam Ali
  "Maine lakhon ke bol sahe..."
• Contemplating dropping out of college, sans an engineering degree.
• Writing this post, duuuuh!
  

THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

• Raise a child with a woman I am totally and madly in love with (a lots of children, actually)
  
• Go on a world tour with a camera
• Jump off a cliff, just for kicks!
  
• Introduce a new world order, one without boundaries, without war, suffering. In short, Utopia. But yes, I can dream of it, you can dream of it. Why not, then?
  

THINGS I CAN DO

• Be very confused about everything
• Sleep endlessly for a whole day
• Read, Write and Count

THINGS I CAN NEVER DO

• Speak to a gathering without getting the blues.
• Look at a girl in the eye for more than 8 seconds.
• Become Jeff Murdoch, although as much as I would want to! Sigh! :(
  

THINGS YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO

• The small voice in your head. Listen to it everytime.
• Your Parents.
• Ghulam Ali
• Simon n Garfunkel
  

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER LISTEN TO

• Strangers
• Yourself when you are drunk/high. Especially if one of your aims in life is to jump off a cliff, just for kicks :)
  
• Am I allowed to say, Heemays Resammaiyya ? [figure that out :)]
  

WOULD LIKE TO LEARN

• A lot of languages
• Ball room dancing. The one with the 3 piece suits and the white gowns. That one.
  
• Actually, if there is anything out there that is there to be learnt, I'd like to learn it.
  

FOODS I EAT

• Sweets.
  Actually, I believe, sugar is a very good solvent for bad taste. Anything sweet, and I am up for it. Laddoos are just the top ones on the list.
  
• Anything well prepared and well served.
• Anything that my Mom makes (for the love of it), my Sister prepares (for the fear of her) and whatever my wife will prepare sometime in the future (for the sheer romance of it all)
• For Thought.
  

BEVERAGES I DRINK

• Water
• Tea + Coffee
• Milk
• Blood, if that counts, eh heh heh!
  

TV SHOWS/BOOKS I WATCHED/READ AS A KID

• I was fed on TeeVee and Books. Cannot list 'em down like this.
• Was crazy about Comics till a time, after which Children's Pop Science books took over. Not too much into Novels and stuff. Have read random picks from Daddy's collection.
• All DD shows of mid-90s. Lately, Sony and Star Plus. "Surabhi" (Sunday nights on DD1) was a good one.
• Watched Cartoons till very late. Would still be watching T&J, Dexter's Lab, Popeye et al had it not been a strange discord with the television set that I have been experiencing lately.
  

I WOULD LOVE TO TAG

• You?

So, this post draws to its end. I'd like to invite comments + additions which I would happily incorporate to "things about myself" in this post.

'til then.

"Fi.L.L.Ex", or, "Musings before an exam"

I sit down to write this on the "eve" (if you may deem it so, its 2:30 a.m. actually!) of my Flight Mechanics Mid Term examination...so it's gonna be short and snappy.

The First Law of the Last Exam (Fi.L.L.Ex) :
The last examination of any series of exams has the inherent property that deems it doomed the day it is announced.

Fi.L.L.Ex. for Dummies :
(Read "For the Mathematically Uninitiated")
In a string of examinations, like the Mid Semesters, the End Semesters or whatevathehell, the subject whose examination is scheduled on the last slot of 'em all, is bound to be fudged up by the incumbent(look it up!) examinee.

Proof :
This proof is going to be chiefly theoretical in nature, and investigations shall be made so as to cover all the possible outcomes, of which only the said event is designated to occur, as we shall soon see.

Now supposing you have N exams in M days.

The Nth exam is scheduled on the Mth day, which is the last slot of your examinations.

Now let us denote your Average Performance Satisfaction (APS -> Your self-evaluation for the N-1 exams) by a value amidst the following :-

APS -> Interpretation
0...Whoops! Exams? Shit! Uh-Oh!!! (Seriously fudged 'em up)
1...Hmm, Exams? Yeah, had 'em, gave 'em. (I don't care)
2...Well, well, well, Exams? Yeaaah! (Yaay! I'm gonna top this time!)

So, once we have decided upon your APS, we can correlate the APS with the performance in the final exam.

Case APS==0 : Now since you have really not performed well in the other exams, you don't have any motivation/self-confidence/desire to perform well in this one as well. Basically we are talking about "Oh I am so much deep in this, I just can't get any deeper, so what the hell! I just can't study!" kind of a feeling.

Case APS==1 : Hey you are one guy/gal who doesn't care about the exam. How can the exam care about you? Case closed. Getting screwed up is the result.

Case APS==2 :I bet you are already so so SO elated at cracking the other exams, you'll be puffed up with confidence, and eventually will not study for the final one. Classic case of "I am the king of the world" syndrome.

Thus, it is seen that the examination, unfortunately will be screwed up.

Corollary 1 to Fi.L.L.Ex :
Although the APS value seemingly has an inductive effect on the performance in the last paper, however, by virtue of the argument stated in proving Fi.L.L.Ex above, has absolutely no implication on the result thereof.
.
.
.
.
GOD SAVE MY FLIGHT MECHANICS EXAMINATION...

The AboutMe Post

Now the first post announcing my arrival to the blog-o-sphere done, I sit down to write my first "meaningful" post.

What could count as a meaningful post? I mean, what do I blog about?

Do I blog about myself?
Do I write about things in my life?
About things going on around?
About things that "should be" going on around?
Do I write poems/stories/articles and post here?
Do I vomit out anything about anything that comes to my mind?
Or do I just see what happens and let things flow?

I really don't know.

Well, for starters, I can talk about myself. That is one thing I do well. If you know me personally you'll know what I am talking about. But then even if you don't, I guess you WILL at the end of this post.

Let's make it more interesting. Let me frame it like a FAQ...

Q. Who is Saumya Jain?

A. Saumya Jain is...

• ...male, Indian, b. Jan 7 1985
  
• ...a student of Aerospace Engineering at the Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur
  
• ...a very vehla(adj. "someone who has all the time in the world to do all the nonsense under the sun, or the moon, if you rather!") person
  
• ...available for gup-shup(v. "chatting") anytime you want
  
• ...a difficult-to-handle friend (ask my friends, the close ones)
  
• ...relatively easy to be overawed by anybody. Sometimes even a two year old can put me into self-contemplation
  
• ...definitely a non-conformist, ego-ecccentric, sadistic, procastinating, burnt-out genius
  
• ...a blatantly honest and blunt mouth
  

And before I forget,

• ...hopelessly in love with someone :)
  

Guess that does it for today.

More FAQs next time, promise.

~Enjoy the little things, for one day you might look back and realise that they were the big things~

The First 'un

Hellow, dear fellow !

This is practically the first one in a long long time, and as they all say...

1,2,3...
Testing...
TESTING...

System checked. OK.

Watch this space. More to come.