The Perfect Analysis

I had once said about Vinod Khare "...one who would give me the coldest yet the brutally sanest advice on any issue", and there he goes again! This is a short conversation I had with him on our reunion at Alfaaz, IIT Kanpur's Literary Festival, which he is gracing as a Judge!!! Beats me how he manages to do that (too!), but however, that is not the point. Speaking of which, here is the point of the pointless conversation, (definitely not the first and surely not the last) that we had today on our time honoured practice of pilgrimage to "THE MT" for chai, samosa and whatnot.

The topic of the chat is the usual, "What is Saumya Jain supposed to be doing", hehe, something in which I have earned a D.Phil., needless to mention that all arguments expounded in which are as useless as the debate of the status of the planet Pluto in the Solar System. so, here goes ...

Saumya (talking about a day in recent forgotten history on which he had a bath): See, it is about perfection, about quality. It is about giving your best in everything you do. When I take a bath, I get an oil massage, a pedicure, a nice little sunbath and then I stand under the shower for ages. That, my friend is the perfect way to cleanse the body and the mind.

Vinod: Uh-huh.

Saumya: Yeah, nothing, absolutely nothing beats the feeling of your legs being soaked in warm water, sitting in the afternoon sun, and a relaxing massage with oil.

Vinod: Uhm! You mean "Getting a massage"? Are you employing people to do that? Really?

Saumya: Ah! No, no no. I mean I am rubbing oil in my hair myself, but, isn't the feeling just heavenly?

Vinod (pauses, thinks and then BANG!): Tumhe pata hai, tumko na Raja hona chahiye. Ekdum tumhaare laayak job hai! [You know what? You should be a king. Its a job just made for you!]

Saumya (Obviously surprised at the skewed parallel drawn between a king and a job desc): Hmm?

Vinod (Coldly, as though working out a case study. You just HAVE TO give it to this guy, he can remain SO indifferent even when he is speaking of such *disdainful* wisdom!) : Haan, na tum kuchh kaam karte ho, na kuchh karna chahte ho, bas pade rehte ho, aish karte rehte ho, aalsi bhi ho, ek hi cheez aati hai, bak bak karna aur morals baantna. Yehi sab toh karna hota hai. [Yes, its obvious. You don't do anything, neither do you want to. You just hang around all day long, making the most of your leisure-time, and you are slothful too. If you are good at something, it is talking crap and moralising. This is all that one requires to be a king.] You should have been born in the medieval times. You'd have done well.

Saumya (the truth hitting him at last): Yeah, I always thought that I was a bit old fashioned for this world. Too sad I missed the window. Waise, meri kundali mein shaayad Raj-yog likha hai. [Astrologically speaking, my fortune favours me to become one of the ruling class] Hehe. Kahan apply karoon? [Where do I sign up for this?]

Vinod (Smiling. Oh thank you holy mother of God): Hehe, chal chal, MT chal, fir bataataa hoon... [Hehe, walk on along, let me explain...]

And so we met again, probably for the last time on IITK soil. Probably for the last time to discuss this dreaded issue which I myself have been taking a bit too lightly (this blog-post notwithstanding). Hopefully though, I see some light at the end of this tunnel.

So anyhow, Ladies and Gentlemen, that, was Vinod Khare, and this, is me, signing off with this little poem, which will make sense to few. At least it does to me.

Adieu, adieu, adieu!
We'll miss you, Radley Boo,
You've been wronged,
and been miscast;
But all of that,
is in the Past.
Go on ahead, make a life,
No more worries, no more strife.
Speak out and you'll be heard,
No longer the caged mockingbird.
Go! Do the thing you wanna do,
Adieu, Boo, Adieu!

Laying Some Demons to Rest

I recently noticed a couple of blogs I have started on my blogger account. This post is primarily to list 'em out and have a retrospection on when/why they were made. Here we go.

1. SaumyäSæz
[http://saumyajain.blogspot.com/] : This is my blog-a-la-originale. The authentic, the real McCoy, the right_from_the_horse's_mouth blog. I like to call it "My Rant". It has everything one could possibly know about me, or rather, at least everything I would let the world know about me. 81 posts including this one. The one that people know about, the one that I advertise. The one, that I write on. The one, that is me.

2. L.o.v.e.s.m.i.t.t.e.n.s.v.i.l.l.e
[http://luvbitten.blogspot.com/] : Once upon a time there was a guy who was smitten with love. Unreturned love. Or so he thought. Or so he did not. And thus he ended up bitten in love. This was supposed to be a "(s)pit-of-venom blog". Something to pour out, to vent out the anger, the inadequacy, the failure, the fall, the times, the promises, the quirkiness, the reality. It still has only one post. It will always have only one post. A post that I regret. A post that I shall never delete. Just to remind me never to write something like that again. Maybe, I guess, till I "fall" again.

3. A 100 days of solitude
[http://alifeinexile.blogspot.com/] : I will reproduce the only post this blog has, here.

Sunday, August 5, 2007
"An exile?"
"Yes."
"How? You are still around people you know."
"Yes, that is true. In physical terms, yes."
"Then?"
"Hmm... Well, it is an exile. Let's just leave it at that."

Akshay gives me a quizzical look. I smile back.

The idea to launch this blog came upon me a day before I wrote the luvbitten blog. It is after spewing out the spit of venom that I decided to end my 100 days of solitude on Day-2 itself. I realised that I was not ready for it then. A hundred days of solitude were meant as an experience to "grow", not to grow ugly and hateful. Thus ended my hundred days of exile, and so did the blog. (and so began my "Alter-Exile") But, unlike the "spit of venom blog", this is not a closed file. I know I shall come back to this again, although in very different circumstances and a totally different mindset. One day I shall be ready. It is then that I shall return to the blog, and to a hundred days of solitude, and hopefully, to a life in exile, away from "all this". What's "all this"? You'll know. Soon enough.

4. Posts on Love and Freedom, and Related Stuff :D
[http://luvandfreedom.blogspot.com/] : As the title says. This is for posts on Love, Freedom and Related Stuff. Hahahahah! Basically, it started out as an outlet for appreciating the finer things in life. It was there to remind me that I was not the only enlightened mind writing about human emotions. There have been lesser mortals before me who have succeeded in capturing intense emotions and packed them in words, mostly poetry. Basically, a place where I posted others' compositions centered around the strongest of human emotions, love and freedom. Sadly, given my age and circumstance, it boiled down to love more than freedom at that time, and soon I got so entangled with love that I actually stopped thinking about freedom, and if that was not enough, my posts on love too went on to merge with my rant blog, and so this blog became parched. I guess its time to renew this blog, now that my alter-exile is also over. And what better a post than Faiz's "Mujhse pehli si muhabbat mere mehboob na maang"

5. Science and Technology Council IITK
[http://scitech-iitk.blogspot.com/] : Originally meant as a General Secretary (I was "that" once, :D) writing about his council in IITK, I guess it had one discussion and everyone soon forgot about it. Maybe because it was seen as a propaganda thingy back then. It was an honest attempt to bring in some people to life. I guess IITK was not ready back then. With lately my intent of doing something crazy with the IITK junta having found a supporting voice with Arvind Kothari, the currently outgoing PREJIDENT SAAHIB ;), I guess this blog may be used to complete a much awaited discourse on "What ails IITK" and also in the future, become a platform for my thoughts about Science and Technology as well as my days of being the "Scitech-Oh Seven" in IITK, the time and place where I gained, lost, learnt, became, befooled, did, undid, follied, jollied ... myself. All by myself.

6. The Techkriti Blog
[http://techkriti-ohseven.blogspot.com/] : "Wake me up when Techkriti Ends" ... This was Rakshit's status message. Techkriti was the brand, Oh Seven was the catchline, Us, the salesmen. I am absolutely immodest when it comes to this. It was THE Techkriti. Honest to God, great intentions without any fear of what will happen. For most of the people, where it was "just another tech fest", for us it was a matter of life, prestige and passion. Still is. There will be better ones I am sure. But one thing that no one can take away from Oh Seven is, it was the one that started it all. Nanda's Techkriti, to a large extent, inspired us. It was a benchmark. But we had a better base with the participants, and so by the end of it, I can safely say, we made Nanda proud. True, it had its glitches, it had its misses, they all do. I take all responsibility. Truly. I do believe I was the weakest link in the whole chain. BUT, I was also the superglue, heheh. Anyhow, this blog was made around the run up to the fest but soon discarded just like the scitech blog. There is still time before I fill it up with "How-to-organise-a-students-fest" guideline. (I have actually thought of doing so. Call me crazy.)

Aww shucks. This too has become just like all the old ones. Filling me with remorse over all my past life. [life. or something like it ;) ... Now where did I pick that one up from?] Anyhow, I am learning to live with it. I am learning to live with myself. The bottomline is, I am learning. That, I guess, is enough for me.

To Each His Own

Scene : High Speed Aerodynamics Laboratory, Indian Institute of Technology Kanpur, India
Players : Saumya Jain and Ashish Vashishtha
Mood : SLEEPY!!!

Saumya is working on the computer, fiddling with the Quotations page. Apparently a day to think up something profound. Picks up a Shakespeare quote and puts it across on the blog. It goes something like this...

"It is not important to know who you are, than to have faith in what you can become."

Thus satisfied, he is about to fall asleep on the keyboard when Ashish returns from MT. With an eclectic, jovial and recently-had-something-to-eat mood, Ashish comes and sits next to Saumya. Saumya, beaming from inside at his recently plagiarised quote, points out the verse to his mate.

Ashish looks at it, grows serious, and remarks with a straight face...

"A call-girl is better than a girlfriend."

Silence. Ashish looks at Saumya; Saumya looks at Ashish. They laugh. Period.

P.S : What an anti-climax!

Daddu speaketh...

For all that matters, I could have also chosen this post to be titled, "Vinod Khare and the girlfriend, the lover and the whore". Here's why ...

One good friday, when we were all ready to throw Rakshit out of the campus with an awesome party, this is when Daddu was hit by one of his creative bolts and said something which went like this...

"Your girlfriend is someone you have sex with, while a lover is someone you make love to." Then he paused, waiting to see everyone's reaction, when at once, Saumya, hit with an equally intense bolt of curiosity asked, "then whom do you fuck?" "Oh that?!" said Daddu, "obviously, a whore."

That's more than just wordplay. I'll leave you to figure that out.

Random Thought No. 666 : Hum Chlormint Kyun Khaate Hain?

Well, so if you don't know what Chlormint is, (a) you don't need to waste your time on this post and (b) if you still wanna do that, here's where to start, not that this page is any informative, but then you just need to know this.

Ok, so, "hum chlormint kyun khaate hain?". Here are some introspections.

• ... taaki Praty ki moochhon ki kheti hamesha hari bhari rahe
• ... kyunki pan/cigarettewaale ke paas chhutte paise nahin hote
• ... taaki ghar par pata na chale ki sutta maara hai
• ... bekaaj, Chlaarmint ij MAI CHOEES.
• ... saadi Chlormint da jawaab nahi
• ... kyunki Chlormint ko peeya nahi jaa sakta
• ... kyunki peene ke liye toh Limca hai
• ... waise Sprite bhi hai.
• ... kyunki "hum" Kanpur mein rehte hain, agar dilli mein rehte, toh hum poochhte, "main" chlormint kyun khaata hoon?
• ... kyunki hum fukke nahi khaana chahte
• ... kyunki Chlormint humko nahi khaa sakti
• ... kyunki deepu bahut lamba hai aur prinshul bahut hi dhakkan
• ... kyunki saumya ke paas exam mein aur koi kaam nahi hota blog likhkar timepass karne ke allaawa ...

Issliye hum Chlormint khaate hain. Kuchh chamka ab? :)

Early morning vibes...

The following transpired between me and Praty on our way to the morning chai at MT, worth a blog.

Scene : The half-asleep duo of Praty and Saumya trudging along the Hall of Residence Avenue, crossing the Hall 2 gate towards MT. As they see, a localite lady is boarding a Rickshaw. She'll be around 30, attired in Saree and with a voice as shrill and as loud that is associated with my perception of the Kanpur babe. The rickshaw puller and the lady soon start making small conversation, and both of them laugh.

Saumya (feeling sorry for the lady's hardworking, bread_winner_for_the_family, middle class husband) : Dekh yaar, aunty toh rickshaw waale se hi las rahi hain! [Behold thine eyes to this scene my friend, this fine young lady here is categorically "flirting" with this gentleman rickshaw puller here!]

Praty (...) : huh? [huh?]

Saumya (still inquizitive) : Yaar dekh na, aunty lase hi jaa rahi hain ... kyun? aakhir kyun ? aakhir kyun praty!!! [See, she is still flirting, why why why oh WHY!]

Praty (! - which means he is on the verge of getting to a big time earth shattering realisation) : Simple hai, aunty soch rahi hain, thoda lasne se agar 6 rupay ki jagah 5 rupay dene ki ho jaaye toh kya nuksaan? ['tis but simple, for she thinks what is the harm done if for a few moments of her sweet chitchat, this foolish rickshaw puller would charge her a rupee less for the ride?]

Saumya (still doubtful) : Lekin yeh baat toh rickshaw waala bhi jaanta hoga na? Wo kyun las rah hai? [Yes my friend, but would not the same realization dawned upon the rickshaw puller aswell? Why is he playing the game?]

Praty (!!! - which means that he got a time slice of clear vision and spoke the ultimate truth) : Dekh rickshaw waala soch raha hai, mere 6 rupay toh kahin jaane nahin doonga, woh toh wasool hi loonga, ab tab tak agar lasne ko hi mil raha hai toh main kyun mauka haath se jaane doon [He knows that he will anyhow take the exact fare from the woman, so why not enjoy the ride with a little spice?]

Well, that's the world for you, as we realised it one sleepy Spring morning on our way to the MT.

A compliment?

Today I was talking to one of my friends about (who else?) myself when he said this about me vis-à-vis another common friend of ours.

"People like you are meant to change the world, but people like him were made to survive in it"

:)

I really don't know if I should take it as a compliment or a judgement. Any ways, it was quite thought-provoking. So much merges into what I am into these days, self realisation (/mockery /denial /discovery /pity) All things self, though.

...On Why I'll Never Drink Again

Typical day today...

Woke up at 11:00 a.m. and cursed myself the second thing (the first being noticing the time) of the day. With THAT fantastic start, went on to watch a few videos and whiled away my time upto the afternoon.

Entertained visitors and ended up with a pocket lighter by 50 bucks, had to give a "friend" some money for "some urgent work".

Celebrated Holi in the Hostel with whatever 50-60 guys who are here staying back, ended up not recognising myself in the mirror, amidst the shades of red, blue, green and yellow!!!
Had a tought time getting cleaned up and thereafter caught up with Dubey (old friend, for the uninitiated).

Now here's where the masala (spice) begins.
Dubey and I are very very impulsive people, espcially when it comes to partying and having fun. So we 'decided' that we should just spend the evening at "Dominoes" (a pizza place, for the uninitiated, heh heh). So there I was, shelling out 303 bucks for 2 pizzas that would have costed the lala (owner) of dominoes not more than 50 rupees to produce. Call it high society luxury, or call it extravagance, or call it...wait, let's keep THAT for a later post.

...Anyways, WE found out (and I found out for the second time) that two medium sized pizas are waay too much for two people to devour. So, we kind-of finished the pizza (and made the rest of it look like unedible, before throwing it away) and started back home.

IIT Kanpur (my college) has its main gate opening to the GT Road, a major highway of North India. So basically, the tempo that we catch from the city (yeah we call it that, a "city", we love to say that our college is in a "city", a big "almost-metro-like city"...sigh!...hey i am not good at this!!!), so anyways, the tempo that we take from the city stop to IIT spends most of its time on the GT road.

Now a kilometer before the IIT Gate, we both have a devilish thought, we both think about getting drunk. Now I had spent money on drinks once but had failed miserably at attempted binging, so I was not quite much into the idea of getting drunk. But Dubey, my friend, is a good friend, he won't let me accept defeat so easily. He gave me another chance.

So two minutes and 130 bucks later, we were the proud owners of a Romanov 375 ml. bottle. Hey...wait a minute, this is turning out to be a Drinking 101 case study...anyhow who cares the fuck about that?...so there we were, all equipped with Romanov, Sprite and two glasses.

Dubey poured me the first peg and told me to take it easy. Meanwhile Shukla (don't just yell out "Shukla Who?" right now...read on and you'll come to know...) told me to try a neat one. I gulped a neat one in a bottle cap. It burnt my insides. I felt strange. Sick actually. Not because of anything else, but the taste and the smell reminded me of Cough Syrups. and that made me sick. With a bottle-capful of Vodka inside, I overheard Dubey telling Shukla, "Yaar vodka toh shots mein hi peeni chahiye" ("Buddy, vodka is best enjoyed in shots, not as a drink") and I was inspired.

Gulped down the first peg. and the second. and the third.
By that time, we were at Dubey's room listening to racy numbers courtesy Shukla, and yes before I forget, Shukla was there to take care of us, in case either of us lost it. Now the bottle was only one-third full. (take inspiration, i could also have said, two thirds empty...now does that show something about my personality, or does it?) So the fourth peg was almost a full glass, especially after Dubey had mixed it with the Soft Drink.

There we were, all pegged up ;) and waiting for something to happen.

And then, Nothing happened.

Nothing.

Zook, zeroh, zilch.

I started fiddling with Photoshop, worked on a picture of a girl, a very beautiful girl, adding some Glow and Focus, so as to make it look like "one of those" pictures (heck I even wrote, "A (that's her name), Say yes...please", but I am not gonna tell you that) However, that was not a part of being drunk. We sat down to watch a movie. And it had to be "Jerry Maguire". It had to be romance. It had to be Zellweger and Cruise. Oh Shit! just couldn't handle all that mush. Dubey was conspicuously silent after the round of drinks. Anyways, I watched the movie, bid adieu to Dubey and started off for my room.

Vodka does something to you, I do feel that. My hands and legs stop responding in their usual way and my eyes droop a bit. But that's all that is there. If I am alive and mentally fit after 4 proper pegs, I guess somebody up there really hates me, I guess THAT SOMEBODY does not want me to get drunk, does not want me to lose it. Shukla is out of business when I drink. And I hate it.

...P.S. : After I came to my room, I chatted up with an old friend in B'lore and then wrote this post. This Post. THIS POST THAT NEVER FELT LIKE IT HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY A DRUNK GUY. God I want to lose myself. God I don't want to spend all that money and end up literally drinking Sprites and 7 Ups only. God have some mercy. Till then, God, I'll never drink again.