Sunday, June 25, 2006

Suicide Note # 1 : Dear Family...

Hello Mom, Dad, KJ...

Probably you miss me, probably mamma goes to sleep with a heavy heart, probably papa utters a deep sigh whenever he thinks of me, probably a tear trickles down KJ's lovely little eyes at times when she is reminded of her brother.

I want to tell you, I might not have been a good son and a good brother, but I've always tried to be one, and it is so because I have been around such good people as yourselves. Mom, Dad, thank you for making me who I am, for showing me the world as best as it could have been shown ever. KJ, thank you for being my cute little doll for 19 wonderful years. I am not that bad you know, I always want you to have the best, I might be a little tough and rude, but most of the time it is for your own good, beta.

Papa, I was a bad boy when I smoked and took to drinking without telling you all. I wanted to, but that would be too embarrassing for me to say out aloud. It would hurt you. It would hurt me to know that I have not kept the faith you showed in me. I did not want to tell you because I did not want you to feel that your kid has gone astray. I had, papa. I had.
I know you have great dreams for me, and I really suck at not being working towards them. I could have been a little more responsible and a little more "myself" and acheived what I truly deserved. I didn't. Neither did I become my true inner self, nor could I acheive what I could have. I love you for still wanting me to.

Mummy, you are my responsibility. Or I always thought so. If I want a didi in my future births, I would want you to be the one. Maybe even in this life you are just like an elder sister to me. I remember a very young and tiny Saumya sitting on the dressing table, trying out Mummy's bindis and lipstick. I remember a toddler running around avoiding a bath, I remember you holding my chin and combing my hair, readying me up for school, playing with me around the house, bringing food and water right down at my study table, pushing me out of the house for fresh air, making halwa at times when I needed it the most :)
No. I cannot recall how much you have done for me. I don't want to. I cannot even say thanks. I don't want to. I love you ma.

KJ, I told you, you have been my little dolly all along. I just cannot forget the little gudiya calling out "aiyya" because she was so little she couldn't even pronounce "bhaiyya" properly. I'll probably cherish that sound till my final moments. I remember the cat and dog fights we used to have and took the whole houselhold as hostage. I remember finishing up my ice-cream/chocolate/biscuit quickly and then pestering you to part with yours. I remember distributing cold drinks in glasses ever so finely equally balanced as though they had been measured, and still managing to get more for myself. I remember cheating you on every little occasion I could, not because I was smarter, but because I knew that you trusted me blindly enough and that even if you found out, you wouldn't mind. I knew you wouldn't mind. Despite all the show of "I really don't think I should believe you" that you keep giving me, I know that you really love me a lot and take me very seriously whenever I have something to say. I would just say, no daughter of mine could give me more affection than you have showered me with as a chhoti sister. Just remain the same sweet self that you are, and don't forget to call out for "aiyya" in case things don't turn out your way. I'll be there.

See you all, bye.

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