Zindagi mein toh sabhi pyaar kiya karte hain ...

All of us
... fall in love,
... at least once,
... in a span of a lifetime.

I did too.

Over
and
Over
and
Over Again.

But now I have found you.
I have found you and I will keep you.
As you have found me.
And would want to keep me (like I want too).

There were ones before you, you know.
Ones whom I had loved when love was still pure in our hearts
When we were young and innocent, when we were mad and careless
When the worries of the world had not crept into our minds - I had loved them then.

We are now grown-ups with goals, with plans, with risks and responsibilities
With worrisome minds and packed calendars. We are now older and wiser (ha!)
How I wish sometimes that you met me back then, back then when I was The One
The one you love today is but a dark shadow of old, a semblance of the past.

A ripple.
An offshoot.
A bleak reminder of what was, and what could have been.

But here is what I can promise you.
You will be loved.
Come rain or shine, pain or pleasure.
In good days and bad,
Whether I am buried in work, or buried underground.
You will be loved.
Like no one has ever been loved before.

That, I promise.

... Main toh mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhko chaahoonga.

Confusion (असमंजस)

One of my childhood friends had a very nice phrase to sum up everything in life. Whenever faced with a dilemma, Rajat always used to say "Confusion Prevails". Little did I know that this little joke of ours would become the steadfast philosophy of our adult life. (God bless Rajat!) From the quarter life crises to the matters of the heart, life can be summed up in the very same two words ... "confusion prevails". The very moment that I feel I have got a grip on something as small as a teeniest weeniest littlest part of life, the One Above (a.k.a. the omnipresent, omnipotent "our Father in Heaven") says "Gotcha Son! Not so soon!" And there I am, back to drudgery, figuring stuff out from square one, or ground zero (a la what was left of the WTC by after the terrorist attacks), if you may.

God, I love solving problems and thereby, trying to make some sense of my time here on Earth. But please, can you give me newer problems to solve? Like you know, maybe, what do do with all the money I am going to have, to buy property in Shanghai or New York, to send my children to Oxford or Cambridge. Of course, all of it requires for God to be grateful enough to (a) give me some money, (b) give me some children, which basically brings me back to the same problem, the problem of finding a jaan for my dil-e-nadaan, which would hopefully kick-in the process of children, money and the works. Its been like eternity and I still haven't decided on what I am looking for only.

Then along comes this girl, and she ticks all the boxes, and she fills all the right gaps (from the movie Rocky - Rocky: I dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.), and she's beautiful from the outside and gorgeous from the inside, and she has the right attitude and the right mix of everything one would ever want.

But, she can't be the one. As grown-ups we have "grown-up" problems - we are cautious, conscious and conscientious. In short, we think too much. This problem engulfs everyone around us, not just me and her. We on our part love to dissect, analyse and discuss like adults, always concluding all discussions bemoaning the loss of child-like devil-may-care attitude and uncomplexities of early life. So, anyways, coming back to the point, she can't be the one. Its "too early" to think of her as a life-mate, but "too late" to have a title match for her. (I know a lot about title matches, they just don't go the way you would expect - everyone loses in the end.)

While all reason and all sorts of reasons (and there are many, many, many of them) are against even the possibilities of exploring an alliance, deep down there is an optimist in me, which just wants me to wait and watch, and watch and wait. The jury's still out on this one, people. The jury is still out.

Meanwhile, here's something to ease the pain, the anguish and the anxiety. Something that I couldn't resist writing. Something that I feel verily reflects the confusion our lives are thrown into right now. This is for you, nameless lady.

झिझक 

प्रिये!

तुम ही तो हो
जो चुपचाप, धीरे से
मेरी कविता के चित्रपट पर
सहज, सहसा ही उभर आई हो

तुम्हारी मुस्कान
अनछुई, अनमोल
उज्ज्वलित कर देती है
मेरी एकाकी के वीराने को

तुम ही तो हो
जिसका प्रतिबिम्ब
दिन प्रतिदिन अपने अंतर्मन में
मैं पाता - खोता रहता हूँ

पर मन ही मन डरता हूँ
समय और समाज की सीमा
कवि की कल्पना पर पहरा देती हैं
इसलिए ही चुप रहता हूँ

मेरी इस झिझक को प्रिये
मेरा प्यार न समझ लेना …

… वह तो अभी किया नहीं
… वह तो अभी हुआ नहीं